Thank you for opening your family’s experience to us. And your son for his permission to help educate us. I appreciate you valuing his privacy. It’s tempting to tell the stories of others without considering that it’s not ours to tell.
I’ve had personal experience with neurodivergence which helped me understand a young man who was helping with our garden recently. I quickly pegged that his curt responses and head down communication style were not rudeness. I left him to get on with his work happily. I did comment later that he was collecting small weeds in a bucket. He enthusiastically explained to me they were sedge and told me of the many variety and their benefits to the garden. I listened and learned and felt honored he’d communicated so fulsomely.
Having had a trauma-filled dysfunctional childhood I recognize trauma in the eyes or physical posture of children and it breaks my heart to see their behaviour misinterpreted. As a child who responded to being abused by being the ‘good quiet girl’ I was under the radar at school, but I could easily have responded very differently and become oppositional. My life would have been different indeed with misunderstanding compounding trauma.
Empathy or even just patience and a willingness to pause before judgement is rare.
Your words educate us about autism and also about patience and empathy. Thank you ☺️
Oh Bee, you are so kind, especially as you grew up having to cope with so much trauma of your own. I have been typing this reply for about thirty minutes now and I just can’t find the right words to express how in awe I am of how you have dealt with your childhood experiences, all I can do is send you all my love.
How lovely that your young gardener felt at ease enough to open up and have a conversation with you, Bee, he must have felt very comfortable in your presence. Sending you every good wish for your house move, I hope it all goes smoothly.
Thank you for your very honest comment, you wonderful woman, you. x
We have just been over to visit my husbands brother, Philip, for his 77th birthday. He’s been in care homes most of his life, sadly his mother couldn’t cope with him full time, they ran a public house and the children really had to fend for themselves. Of course, Philip couldn’t. Father did all he could though.. he was a marvellous man, my husband takes after him.
Philip was born with tumours in his eyes and had to have his eyes removed, as a baby. Then he was also said to be ‘ retarded’ and was unable to communicate (no wonder). He was moved from one home to to another and if you inadvertently mention the name of the towns where any of them were he says’ I don't have to go there again, do I? Poor man.
It makes you wonder what went on there that he remembers it seventy years later.
He is in a lovely home now and for the first time has been diagnosed with severe autism and is now learning to do things he’s never been taught, as a blind person.
His saving grace has always been his passion for music and ‘dancing’ (swaying on the spot) for hours on end. He now sings in a loud voice (ouch) and he knows every single word to every song. And he can tell you, without thinking, who sang every song. His memory is amazing, he feels free to do this since his mother died a couple of years ago. She used to tell him to shut up all the time. I don’t judge her, but it makes me sad. My husband cared for him a lot as a little boy, and is a very empathetic person. His father was the same, but sadly died many years ago. How I wish Philip had been nurtured, as I am certain he would have been able to play the piano or some instrument as his recall is amazing.
He’s a very gentle soul, doesn’t express any emotions and can’t initiate a conversation, except ‘You will come again, won’t you, Janet and David’. It’s a shame he lives two hours drive from us, but he is always happy to see us, and is very content where he lives, so we take comfort in that. He doesn’t do the stimming as much and doesn’t roll his head from side to side anymore, great signs I think. They always fill his hands with instruments (tambourines etc) and he won’t put them down, except to eat, bless him.
All this to say, I think your boy is very lucky to have such wonderful parents and take heart that you are doing a great job making him happy. Unless people cope with anything serious, they have little or no understanding or empathy.
Oh, what a story, Janet, it really does break the heart but I’m pleased to hear that Phillip now seems to be finding some joy with his singing and he is in a good home. It’s is impossible to imagine what life must be like for some people and I have nothing but praise for those who work with and look after their not so fortunate fellow human beings with compassion and dignity. I have huge respect for you and husband for visiting Phillip and showing you care, I can imagine it must be quite difficult in some ways. Thank you for sharing your story, Janet and your kind words. Sending you my very best wishes. Lindsey x
I can so relate to all these things you wrote, autism/adhd runs in our family too. There’s more understanding nowadays I think, when my children were young there wasn’t, even the school didn’t know what to do. I always try to keep a sense of humor (not always possible 🤯), that helps us usually. You did so well with your son 💗, and it’s great to learn from one another.
A sense of humour certainly helps, Caroline! Things are gradually changing, more people speak about autism these days which can only be a good thing. It’s nice to know you are not alone sometimes, thank you. x
I concur wholeheartedly with your sentiments about empathy and how special needs children and adults are so misunderstood. My nephew’s boy, Tomi who is now 7, has been diagnosed as autistic. He is also a celiac sufferer which restricts his daily dietary needs. At one child’s party, whereby he had a screaming session, one parent was heard telling others that his mother should take him home as he was spoiling the party! As a retired primary school teacher, I was passionate about inclusive education which values the diversity of pupils/students and the unique contribution each child/adult brings to the classroom. Thank you dear Lindsey for highlighting so succinctly some people’s inability to understand others less fortunate than themselves. ❤️🙏
Why am I not surprised you were a teacher?! And I can imagine you were the best sort of teacher too. Meryl. One primary school teacher repeatedly called my son Bernard on purpose (not his name) because for some bizarre reason he thought it was funny. A group of children called him that all the way through school to tease him as they knew he would have a melt down. When I reported it to the headmaster he said it was 'all in good fun'. The stories are endless really, Meryl, people can be very cruel without thinking but thankfully there are also people like yourself who are very kind and caring. I hope your Tomi gets all the help he needs at school and has a teacher like you. Thank you, with much love. x
You’re wonderful, I can tell. And I agree with you about everything. My son once threw a massive tantrum in a supermarket, lay on the floor, grabbed hold of the bottom of my trolley, and refused to get up. I had to drag him, hanging on, right through the shopping center and back to the car, screaming bloody murder! Mortification maximus!! And most people are kind and patient, and have empathy. But I know a few who are not, and who have no patience and who will say horrible things, and it always makes me want to curl up in a ball, or go and hug the other person. Often it comes from a messed up childhood. At least in every case I’m thinking of. Which affords them a little forgiveness from me. And yet… you would think they’d learn, right? As an extreme empath, those people exhaust me, yet I can be drawn to them. I’m learning to micro dose them, which is about time at 62! Your boy sounds gorgeous and you sound like someone I would love to hang out with 💕 thanks for this lovely piece and I hope this isn’t too rambling. I got a bit emotional!
Not too rambling by any means, Francesca. Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to write your comment, I think the supermarket thing has happened to most parents at some point or somewhere. I know it can feel mortifying at the time but hopefully you can laugh about it now. Childhood experiences have a huge impact on how people behave as adults, I like to think nurture can play a role but nature, by my own experience, is a very tough opponent to beat and the fight can be exhausting at times. I am very grateful for your kind and generous words, thank you, Francesca. You never know, we might get to hang out one day!
Oh, I definitely laugh about it now!! But it felt like hours under the spotlight at the time! He’s 29 now, and is a sensitive, generous and quiet young man! Who knows, we may just end up hanging out! Crazier things have happened, right?! xx
"Then after a few months, I realised I had become just as judgemental of others as they were of me." Great food for thought, and definitely something I would like to be better at. Sweet photos, Lindsey!
Thank you Ilona, I think we are all guilty of judging others, even subconsciously, whether on looks, clothes, colour, accent, job or a whole host of other things. It would be a much better world if we just accepted our differences. x
Oh Lindsey what a heartfelt message…and so very true. It’s all too easy to judge, without knowing the whole story. What a lovely mother you are and I wish your son every success xx
A very moving piece, Lindsey, which gave me pause as I'm sure I've been one of those 'judgey' people often enough. We have a teenage member of our church choir with ASD, and were given a briefing on how to interact with her when she joined the choir (don't get too close, don't make eye contact etc). I used to think of her as a noisy and annoying child before I knew her better. Now I'm full of admiration for her determination and willingness to try new things (including a really difficult solo a few weeks ago).
Your pictures of your son are exquisite and the one of him holding his matching-haired Springer brings tears to my eyes. Wishing him the best of luck in his University life.
You are very kind, Andrea, thank you. Our little Welshie, Ghillie, was just the most fabulous dog and the perfect introduction to dogs for our son we he came to live with us and they were devoted to each other. It absolutely broke my heart when we had to let him go, he was only seven but despite medication his epilepsy got the better of him. Our dog now, a rescue Staffie, is our son's best friend and I'm dreading that inevitable day as he will be totally distraught, as will I. I am so glad you have come to know your young lady in the choir, of course it isn't easy when someone is different to the norm, it is difficult to know what to say and how to act so it's wonderful you and the choir have taken the time to allow her to settle in and find her feet. Thank you, Andrea. Lots of love x
You are such a lovely lady. I agree with everything. I have son who often made such a tantrum in the supermarket when he was young . I remember those days so well and I felt so awfull. People were so misunderstanding.
Thank you Manon, I'm sure it's happened to all parents at some time, it's funny how children like to pick the supermarket! Maybe I should ask people to share their supermarket tantrum stories, I'm sure some of them sound very funny now. 🤣 Thank you for commenting, Manon, much appreciated. x
Oh Lindsey what a kind hearted person you are. It’s true how our life experiences shape who we are. Giving your son a chance in life by bringing him into your family is such a brave and wonderful thing to do I’m sure you thought long and hard about it but that eventually he has enhanced your life is a beautiful thing. Please write more about it if you’d like to. Love your writing
Thank you Liz. Your kind comment is very, very welcome as it is a subject I have been thinking about putting down in words for quite a time but wasn't sure where to start or whether anyone would be interested. It's such a personal topic and as it concerns my son I have always been conscious of protecting his privacy - now he is old enough to give me his blessing I feel more able to share his story. Thank you for your encouragement, Liz. xxx
Dear Lindsey
Thank you for opening your family’s experience to us. And your son for his permission to help educate us. I appreciate you valuing his privacy. It’s tempting to tell the stories of others without considering that it’s not ours to tell.
I’ve had personal experience with neurodivergence which helped me understand a young man who was helping with our garden recently. I quickly pegged that his curt responses and head down communication style were not rudeness. I left him to get on with his work happily. I did comment later that he was collecting small weeds in a bucket. He enthusiastically explained to me they were sedge and told me of the many variety and their benefits to the garden. I listened and learned and felt honored he’d communicated so fulsomely.
Having had a trauma-filled dysfunctional childhood I recognize trauma in the eyes or physical posture of children and it breaks my heart to see their behaviour misinterpreted. As a child who responded to being abused by being the ‘good quiet girl’ I was under the radar at school, but I could easily have responded very differently and become oppositional. My life would have been different indeed with misunderstanding compounding trauma.
Empathy or even just patience and a willingness to pause before judgement is rare.
Your words educate us about autism and also about patience and empathy. Thank you ☺️
Bee
Oh Bee, you are so kind, especially as you grew up having to cope with so much trauma of your own. I have been typing this reply for about thirty minutes now and I just can’t find the right words to express how in awe I am of how you have dealt with your childhood experiences, all I can do is send you all my love.
How lovely that your young gardener felt at ease enough to open up and have a conversation with you, Bee, he must have felt very comfortable in your presence. Sending you every good wish for your house move, I hope it all goes smoothly.
Thank you for your very honest comment, you wonderful woman, you. x
So many stories to share Lindsey. Maybe one day in person 🤓💃🏽
Wouldn’t that be brilliant! 😘
Thank you for this Lindsay.
We have just been over to visit my husbands brother, Philip, for his 77th birthday. He’s been in care homes most of his life, sadly his mother couldn’t cope with him full time, they ran a public house and the children really had to fend for themselves. Of course, Philip couldn’t. Father did all he could though.. he was a marvellous man, my husband takes after him.
Philip was born with tumours in his eyes and had to have his eyes removed, as a baby. Then he was also said to be ‘ retarded’ and was unable to communicate (no wonder). He was moved from one home to to another and if you inadvertently mention the name of the towns where any of them were he says’ I don't have to go there again, do I? Poor man.
It makes you wonder what went on there that he remembers it seventy years later.
He is in a lovely home now and for the first time has been diagnosed with severe autism and is now learning to do things he’s never been taught, as a blind person.
His saving grace has always been his passion for music and ‘dancing’ (swaying on the spot) for hours on end. He now sings in a loud voice (ouch) and he knows every single word to every song. And he can tell you, without thinking, who sang every song. His memory is amazing, he feels free to do this since his mother died a couple of years ago. She used to tell him to shut up all the time. I don’t judge her, but it makes me sad. My husband cared for him a lot as a little boy, and is a very empathetic person. His father was the same, but sadly died many years ago. How I wish Philip had been nurtured, as I am certain he would have been able to play the piano or some instrument as his recall is amazing.
He’s a very gentle soul, doesn’t express any emotions and can’t initiate a conversation, except ‘You will come again, won’t you, Janet and David’. It’s a shame he lives two hours drive from us, but he is always happy to see us, and is very content where he lives, so we take comfort in that. He doesn’t do the stimming as much and doesn’t roll his head from side to side anymore, great signs I think. They always fill his hands with instruments (tambourines etc) and he won’t put them down, except to eat, bless him.
All this to say, I think your boy is very lucky to have such wonderful parents and take heart that you are doing a great job making him happy. Unless people cope with anything serious, they have little or no understanding or empathy.
Thank you for sharing, Lindsay. Xxxxx
Oh, what a story, Janet, it really does break the heart but I’m pleased to hear that Phillip now seems to be finding some joy with his singing and he is in a good home. It’s is impossible to imagine what life must be like for some people and I have nothing but praise for those who work with and look after their not so fortunate fellow human beings with compassion and dignity. I have huge respect for you and husband for visiting Phillip and showing you care, I can imagine it must be quite difficult in some ways. Thank you for sharing your story, Janet and your kind words. Sending you my very best wishes. Lindsey x
I can so relate to all these things you wrote, autism/adhd runs in our family too. There’s more understanding nowadays I think, when my children were young there wasn’t, even the school didn’t know what to do. I always try to keep a sense of humor (not always possible 🤯), that helps us usually. You did so well with your son 💗, and it’s great to learn from one another.
A sense of humour certainly helps, Caroline! Things are gradually changing, more people speak about autism these days which can only be a good thing. It’s nice to know you are not alone sometimes, thank you. x
I concur wholeheartedly with your sentiments about empathy and how special needs children and adults are so misunderstood. My nephew’s boy, Tomi who is now 7, has been diagnosed as autistic. He is also a celiac sufferer which restricts his daily dietary needs. At one child’s party, whereby he had a screaming session, one parent was heard telling others that his mother should take him home as he was spoiling the party! As a retired primary school teacher, I was passionate about inclusive education which values the diversity of pupils/students and the unique contribution each child/adult brings to the classroom. Thank you dear Lindsey for highlighting so succinctly some people’s inability to understand others less fortunate than themselves. ❤️🙏
Why am I not surprised you were a teacher?! And I can imagine you were the best sort of teacher too. Meryl. One primary school teacher repeatedly called my son Bernard on purpose (not his name) because for some bizarre reason he thought it was funny. A group of children called him that all the way through school to tease him as they knew he would have a melt down. When I reported it to the headmaster he said it was 'all in good fun'. The stories are endless really, Meryl, people can be very cruel without thinking but thankfully there are also people like yourself who are very kind and caring. I hope your Tomi gets all the help he needs at school and has a teacher like you. Thank you, with much love. x
You’re wonderful, I can tell. And I agree with you about everything. My son once threw a massive tantrum in a supermarket, lay on the floor, grabbed hold of the bottom of my trolley, and refused to get up. I had to drag him, hanging on, right through the shopping center and back to the car, screaming bloody murder! Mortification maximus!! And most people are kind and patient, and have empathy. But I know a few who are not, and who have no patience and who will say horrible things, and it always makes me want to curl up in a ball, or go and hug the other person. Often it comes from a messed up childhood. At least in every case I’m thinking of. Which affords them a little forgiveness from me. And yet… you would think they’d learn, right? As an extreme empath, those people exhaust me, yet I can be drawn to them. I’m learning to micro dose them, which is about time at 62! Your boy sounds gorgeous and you sound like someone I would love to hang out with 💕 thanks for this lovely piece and I hope this isn’t too rambling. I got a bit emotional!
Not too rambling by any means, Francesca. Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to write your comment, I think the supermarket thing has happened to most parents at some point or somewhere. I know it can feel mortifying at the time but hopefully you can laugh about it now. Childhood experiences have a huge impact on how people behave as adults, I like to think nurture can play a role but nature, by my own experience, is a very tough opponent to beat and the fight can be exhausting at times. I am very grateful for your kind and generous words, thank you, Francesca. You never know, we might get to hang out one day!
Oh, I definitely laugh about it now!! But it felt like hours under the spotlight at the time! He’s 29 now, and is a sensitive, generous and quiet young man! Who knows, we may just end up hanging out! Crazier things have happened, right?! xx
Beautifully written Lindsay 💕
Thank you very much, Jo.x
"Then after a few months, I realised I had become just as judgemental of others as they were of me." Great food for thought, and definitely something I would like to be better at. Sweet photos, Lindsey!
Thank you Ilona, I think we are all guilty of judging others, even subconsciously, whether on looks, clothes, colour, accent, job or a whole host of other things. It would be a much better world if we just accepted our differences. x
Oh Lindsey what a heartfelt message…and so very true. It’s all too easy to judge, without knowing the whole story. What a lovely mother you are and I wish your son every success xx
Bless you Annie, thank you so much, you are very kind. Lots of love x
A very moving piece, Lindsey, which gave me pause as I'm sure I've been one of those 'judgey' people often enough. We have a teenage member of our church choir with ASD, and were given a briefing on how to interact with her when she joined the choir (don't get too close, don't make eye contact etc). I used to think of her as a noisy and annoying child before I knew her better. Now I'm full of admiration for her determination and willingness to try new things (including a really difficult solo a few weeks ago).
Your pictures of your son are exquisite and the one of him holding his matching-haired Springer brings tears to my eyes. Wishing him the best of luck in his University life.
You are very kind, Andrea, thank you. Our little Welshie, Ghillie, was just the most fabulous dog and the perfect introduction to dogs for our son we he came to live with us and they were devoted to each other. It absolutely broke my heart when we had to let him go, he was only seven but despite medication his epilepsy got the better of him. Our dog now, a rescue Staffie, is our son's best friend and I'm dreading that inevitable day as he will be totally distraught, as will I. I am so glad you have come to know your young lady in the choir, of course it isn't easy when someone is different to the norm, it is difficult to know what to say and how to act so it's wonderful you and the choir have taken the time to allow her to settle in and find her feet. Thank you, Andrea. Lots of love x
You are such a lovely lady. I agree with everything. I have son who often made such a tantrum in the supermarket when he was young . I remember those days so well and I felt so awfull. People were so misunderstanding.
Thank you Manon, I'm sure it's happened to all parents at some time, it's funny how children like to pick the supermarket! Maybe I should ask people to share their supermarket tantrum stories, I'm sure some of them sound very funny now. 🤣 Thank you for commenting, Manon, much appreciated. x
Oh Lindsey what a kind hearted person you are. It’s true how our life experiences shape who we are. Giving your son a chance in life by bringing him into your family is such a brave and wonderful thing to do I’m sure you thought long and hard about it but that eventually he has enhanced your life is a beautiful thing. Please write more about it if you’d like to. Love your writing
Liz xxx
Thank you Liz. Your kind comment is very, very welcome as it is a subject I have been thinking about putting down in words for quite a time but wasn't sure where to start or whether anyone would be interested. It's such a personal topic and as it concerns my son I have always been conscious of protecting his privacy - now he is old enough to give me his blessing I feel more able to share his story. Thank you for your encouragement, Liz. xxx
Thank you for sharing, Roseanne.